We all know that online dating is a trash fire, contributing to lower self-esteem and even depression. Looking for love (or even just casual sex) on the apps requires submitting yourself to unsolicited dick pics, nerve-wracking selfie selection, and constant rejection.

 

 

So this year I decided to delete all the apps and just start fingering my own ass.

 

That’s right. Now, whenever I get the urge to swipe right, I instead swipe some lube on my finger and pleasure my butthole.

 

Making forced small talk with strangers and going on date after excruciating date sets you up for disappointment and feeling like true joy is out of reach. But buying yourself a drink, pulling on a latex glove (I learned this in a sex class), and massaging your own asshole all night will never disappoint.

 

These days I can’t believe how much time I used to devote to searching through the apps for available partners before I could even get in the room with someone who I may or may not have any chemistry with.…